there are some people you see, struggling with life and you want to help. you try to help, steer them into a better direction but it’s hopeless, you know it, they know it. but you continue on, pointlessly. because you want to fix them. so. badly. like. why cant you just be good/normal, based on how much i care for you. but they just DON’T care cos they’re too absorbed in their own black misery to give a shit how they’re making you feel. hurt. anger. frustration. all of the above. in the end, humans can only take so much, it’s only natural, after numerous attempts with no response. people give up and move on. let go. let me go. i am these persons. i used to care. i did. too much, it seems -at all the wrong times and for all the wrong people- and now, i don’t have any care left. i listen to people talk but i JUST DON’T CARE. i’m just shit out of care. zilch. zip. null. nada. now i see how easy it is, to not care. before, i don’t know why it was so difficult for me to just. not. give. a. fuck. whatever. i used to hate that word too. now it’s my best friend. god. my mind needs to be silenced.
If you stay still long enough and focus your eyes, you can see the place where your heart beats, in your wrists. This is my weekend morning activity.
you know what i find absolutely unbelievable? someone like me, has managed to make and keep a handful of friends. i dont understand how other human beings can bear to be around me. i make no effort to keep friendships alive, yet i still have people who bother to think of me. contact me. this is -to me- amazing. i am most probably losing my mind. when i keep quiet, people think im being serious or mysterious, but really, whats happening is, im sitting there, quietly stressing over every single thing, thinking, “dont say anything stupid, dont stare too long at one thing, smile and nod, dont fidget, breathe, dont voice every thought.” i think my ocd is taking over my life. consuming all my time. it doesnt help that i work in admin. free reign to spend my weeks sorting out papers, so every page sits perfectly aligned on top of another, before stapling. spending hours to fix one thing because if i let it slide, the guilt will eat away at me. i dont understand my need for things to be right, fixed, correct, when i -as a person- am so wrong, in every way. i think when i get this way. i tend to cut off my ties with the world, because im afraid that this me, will repel every one away. like, animal instincts. people can sense a vibe from me, telling them, “this person… theres something about her, i cant tell what it is, but shes a bit off.. shes not right. must keep away.” this is not a pity party. this is me thinking, “if i met me, i would not like me. if i met me, i would turn and run.” if i could see myself through another persons eyes. i might not seem as insane as i think. or. i could be a complete nutcase. this is not a pity party. this is not fun.
Slowly but surely, opinions change. I wish I had stayed oblivious. This whole time, I’ve been wrapped up in foil, trying to make the last scraps of warmth last, but like all things -inevitably- they end. I’m left cold, empty, bitter and hateful. I wish I hadn’t realised. I liked the veil of ignorance. Too bad I couldn’t bare to fool myself any longer. There’s a silver lining though, I’m a step closer to beginning.
Apparently, kids these days have a celebration for their ‘half birthdays’ -when it’s 6 months til their actual birth date.
I wonder if anyone else spends their mornings staring at the ceiling -for hours- with their minds trying to convince them to get out of bed, to move, to mimick something close to living a life.
It’s dangerous to be alone with a mind, as wild, as a forest.
From one of my bad days. My thoughts tend to get the better of me. When I’m left alone, my mind wanders, far. What can you do, when you want to escape from your thoughts?
